I don't want to.

I try to forget your existence, but my brain always freezes.
It’s no surprise that I end up right where I began.
I liked you better as a stranger that I adored…when your name was foreign.
I guess you think my name is boring.
I was so eager to know everything about you; the ins and outs, the nits and niches.
I didn’t know a glitch would end this mission.
It did. I’m stuck in the shallow muck of you.
The thought runs through my mind that you got covered in glue and fell in my mind.
That would explain the way you sprint through my mind in a loop.
Pondering why you forgot me makes me wonder why you can’t remember me.
Was I too convenient? Am I not cute enough? Did I do something wrong?
Too small, too big, too short, too tall, too shy, too outspoken, too much, not enough, too soft, too tough, too mean, too kind. These are some of things that torture my mind.
Or were you too conceited to see that I really liked you?
I remember the late night texts. It might sound crazy, but I think they were the hex that won’t let me think of anyone else except you.
I should have known you wouldn’t amount to everything I assumed you’d be.
You couldn’t possibly be what I thought you’d be.
It’s my foolish eyes that fools my mind and fills my heart with false hope.
My eyes are prone to portray a joke that’s not funny to me.
His long tangled hair tamed my attention.
Did I forget to mention his brown skin dominated the sparkle in my eye?
I know if I ever locked up with his lips they would do some damage.
Now, when I see him I get this awkward feeling even though he doesn’t acknowledge me with a greeting. Something as simple as “Nice to see ya.” would put a smile on my face.
What do I have to do, who do I have to be to get your attention?
Alright, I come off as desperate, but that’s not it.
See I might be a little strange and get attached prematurely to strangers I think of as attractive.
I’m not asking to be your girlfriend.
I mean I’m already condemned in your whirlwind.
Now, we’ll greet casually.
It’s not like I meant anything to you…vice versa.
I was just a number that fed your number.
Like a child I learn to survive little bruises and cuts.
My face has left your brain.
I have to obliterate the frame of the main picture.
I wish I could get over you.
I don’t want to, but I want you.

I have not failed.

Surprisingly (to myself), I went to America's Next Top Model open call this year. It was just as expected. No, I was not chosen.

This is what I endured:
I got there at around 9am. Wait, let me say that I left my house at 6am:|
Any who, when I got there it was already dozens of females that also had arrived early, seeing as the open call initially started at 10am.
When I got in line a security guard asked to see my I.D. I was instantly nervous, but with the help of music it wasn't so bad. I have no idea how long I was in line. Oh, yeah we were also given an America's Next Top Model bag thing (nothing special). After I waited in line I was led to a room full of females, and chairs. Before I got to the room with the chairs they checked my bag, and I was scanned with a metal detector.
Then I proceeded to the table to get my number, a blue paper wristband, and America's Next Top Model stamp on the wristband.
When I first got into the room with chairs I had to wait in line to turn in my application, and be seated numerically. I was number 282.
I watched as they took around 50-75 girls at a time numerically to another room. As I waited I listened to my IPod until it died :( Then I was forced to listen to everyone talk...dreadful.
Of course there was press there. Some man and two ladies were taking pictures of girls that were willing to pose.
My group was finally gathered, and we were led into a smaller room. There was one wall of the room sectioned off for ANTM cast table, two lights, and a video camera on a tripod. We were told to line up really close around the perimeter of the room. I'm glad there weren't any funky people near me. They explained how this process would go...one girl will step up to the marker look into the video camera, and recite her name, age, height, and weight. I was hecka nervous, but I did as told.
After all the girls had done so we had to wait like 3-2mins as they choose who they wanted amongst themselves. They said "Listen for your number. If you number is called, please stay where you are. If you're number is not called you are free to leave."...As they read off the numbers numerically I hoped to hear my number. I never heard it. When they were finished calling the numbers the woman said coldly, "The numbers that were called stay, and to everyone else thank you. You can leave.”|
Before you actually left out the building you had to get the wristband cut off.

I didn't see, but one of the people chosen. I saw her smile, and say "Oh my god."...yes, she was gorgeous.


And it wasn't after I wasn't picked that I realized how much I really wanted it. I wasn't immediately crushed that I wasn't picked. I was like content with it, but then the bus took all day, and I was tired. So then I got mad, lol. Anger is the face of hurt.
When I got home I started to get downhearted. I felt inadequate, defeated...disappointed. I kind of felt like I had let my mom down, and anyone who ever believed in me. I know my mom probably wanted it for me more than I did for myself. She has always encouraged my whole "modeling dream", and for me not to be able to come home like "Ma, I made!" kind of left me almost embarrassed. She would have been so proud of me. I know I'll always be her little model, lol.
I know I told myself awhile ago that I threw that dream away. Me not getting picked made me want to abandon that dream completely, and never look back.

I concluded even though I didn't make it I'm proud of myself. I went there with a positive attitude. As far as I'm concerned I conquered that quest. ;)

I hope I can live up to this statement "I'll be the best ANTM never had."

On an ending note I'll leave you guys with some neat quotes:
"Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm. Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." - Winston Churchill

"We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery." - Samuel Smiles

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny." - Elaine Mazwell

"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely." - Henry Ford

Change.

I have changed so much…my personality to my appearance. I'm not as shy/quiet as I used to be. But, I am still shy and quiet. I feel a little bit more confidant now. I'm not self-conscious anymore. Although, I like to know people's opinions of me I don't really take them in and let them consume me. I'm still not quite comfortable in my skin.

I used to be super sensitive when it came to what people thought of me. It was to the point where I would secretly cry about it.

I swear I used to hate myself so much. I don't think anyone could imagine how much hatred I had towards myself back then. I thought I was sooo ugly. I had short hair and really bad acne. NO boys liked me or even took a second look at me…Well not until 8th grade I think.

I was raised as the only girl out of 2 boys (1 older and younger brother). So, while other girls were playing with their dolls n crap, being girl girls, I was doing what my brothers did (play video games, sports, etc.). I dressed in baggy, boyish clothing. I was basically a tomboy. I still will rock a pair of baggy jeans, lol.

I started dressing like a girl for my mother and the attention from the boys, lol. But, I've always been told I dress nice.

My mother always made sure I knew how to be a lady. Every event we attended she would always make sure I was best looking thing there. She used to make me ball gowns. Everybody would always say she's so pretty/cute and when I got older people always said I look like a model. Me hearing how beautiful I was wasn't enough. Because I could never see it in me.

As for friends, I always kept one friend. That one friend was my best buddy. I think I always put more into a friendship than other person. Well, the friends I had when I was younger it seemed that way. My friendships would always end due to me moving or they showed their real colors. I tried to stay friends with one of my childhood friends (Katie). I would be like so happy if I could find her. She was the only one that like accepted me for who I was and vice versa. Those were the good days  I miss her…

Real friends like her are so hard to find nowadays. You don't know who's saying what to whom behind your back, why they are trying to be your friend. Do they want something from you? You know? I don't have that many friends nor do I want lots of friends.

Boys??? OMG, lol. Boys never really paid any attention to me. But, when one did I was all smiley and giggly, lol. I believed everything they said  unfortunately that led to my itty bitty feelings to hurt. Because boys lie and will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. But, I am still a lil giggly and cheesy when it comes to boys, lol. One thing I won't do is play fool and act naive…like I don't know what boys are capable of (breaking hearts).

I know I'm not where I should be in life but I will get there soon enough. I like the person I've come to be even though I know this progression isn't finished. I'm proud of who I am. I have secure morals and values. I'm not that same naive little girl anymore. I don't care about who you think I am, as long as I know exactly who I am.

I don't need to understood all the time, just accepted 